2008 Presidential election - making history

Like many Americans, I voted on Tuesday, November 4, 2008. The line was short at 10:30am, and the process was fast - I had already made my decisions. And, I'm proud to say, like the majority of Americans, I cast my ballot for Barack Obama. (As I write this, spellcheck underlines both words of his name. Hmm.) That night, the world watched with bated breath, wondering if hope for change and a new direction would prevail. Would it be decided early or, like the 2000 presidential election, would it take a month or more before it was finalized? Immediately following the poll closings at 11pm EST, we had our answer. Watching the television intently, I saw images of people first cheering, then weeping. Jesse Jackson was teary-eyed. Oprah looked simultaneously relieved and incredulous as she watched President-elect Barack Hussein Obama take the stage in Grant Park as the 44th President of the United States. People were crying in Chicago, in Harlem, in Washington, D.C., and in Kenya. And we, in a little apartment in Kingston, Rhode Island, joined them unabashedly. I did not live through the Civil Rights Movement. I never heard Martin Luther King, Jr. speak. And I can never, nor would I attempt, to claim that I know what it feels like to be a racial minority. But I recognized immediately the weight of these things, carried on the shoulders of 64,415,154 voters. I saw it on their faces, as they celebrated victory. I felt barriers shattering around me, and as Obama spoke, I saw it in his eyes. Change has come.

Watch a video of Obama's acceptance speech

Definitions of self

Who decides who we are as individuals? Is it society that puts labels on us, or do we categorize ourselves that way? Why must everything fit in a nice package, inside a box? I've recently come to the realization that my definition of self is constantly changing. Perhaps not changing but evolving. The more I learn about myself, the harder it is to fit myself in a box, and the less desirable that becomes. I think that as individuals we should strive to grow emotionally, and how we define ourselves during these spurts is crucial. If definitions aren't revisited, or reevaluated, we are not learning, and therefore cannot grow. Often, we decide on a label for ourselves - because it is comfortable or accepted. Some of us find alternative classifications that may be uncomfortable and not as widely accepted (by society at large). I think for us these realizations take much more time. However, once we settle on an identity, I think we are much less likely to revisit the process. It's difficult, and unpleasant, and we're not going back there. And then there's me. When my entire world is upside down and backwards, it makes the most sense. I've come to one of those defining moments in my life, and I realize that it's possible that what I want right now and who I've been characterizing myself as for the past 10 years might actually be compatible. Which is a potentially crazy thought. Panic-inducing, even. And I'm strangely comfortable with that....

Pride

It's Gay Pride Month. Well, actually, it's the end of it, and I just now got around to realizing it. I was reading something the other day that said, "Gay pride month, formerly known as June..." and it got me thinking. To me, June is still JUNE. It probably always will be. And while my life is influenced by my sexuality, it is not my entire world, as it is for some people. It does not define who I am, nor does it dictate the who/what/when/where/how of my life. But that is not to say that I'm not prideful. I'm thankful for the strides that those who've come before me have made. I'm grateful that they shut down streets in order to have a pride parade, because at least that means we're out there in numbers that can't be ignored. We're here, we're queer, get used to it! (Cliche, I know, but still true.)

Seriously though, I think as more people have come out, and been encouraged to do so, it's become harder to turn a blind eye. Visibility matters. In fact, even Cox Communications now carries Logo. I discovered this the other night, and in a fit of joy parked myself in front of the television for hours, watching comedy and short film. And at my excitement at gay programming, a good friend of mine (who will willingly admit that she's a lesbian trapped in a straight girl's body) expressed her jealousy and asked why I needed Logo. (I'm already gay, which apparently means I don't need to watch gay-ness on television). So, as much as I love her, I feel like I need to make things clear: I need Logo. Every gay person in America needs it. Visibility MATTERS. The importance of gay programming on standard cable must be understood, especially by allies. Because if THEY don't get why we need it, all that progress has been for naught. And I really can't bear to see that happen; I can't imagine taking any more steps backward than our administration has already pushed us.

what ifs

I think it's funny how people decide to blog. I mean, what do we do, just sit at the computer and say, Gee, I think I'll share this. And how do we decide what it too personal to share? The internet has become a place of zero privacy, where some people decide to share EVERYTHING. At the same time, some say it has contributed to antisocial behavior in our society. It's amazing what you can do online. My friends are spread out up and down the east coast, and occasionally across the world - I probably talk to them more on Facebook than on the phone. But still, at least we manage to keep in touch, through shared pictures (and shared thoughts via BLOGS). Which brings me to my current situation. Shared feelings. I never know when to share and when to keep them to myself - online, on the phone, in an email, in person. And it usually happens that I choose the wrong option at the worst time, almost always in a romantic relationship-type situation. Such is the case, AGAIN. I'm in a constant struggle between the desire for a companion who actually "gets" me and the only child in me who needs to be ALONE. Occasionally, when I come home I think, I wish someone else could cook dinner for a change, I'm just too tired. Then suddenly, when somebody is interested in cooking me dinner, I flip and think, Why can't I just have some time to myself?! I think the problem is that the women I seem to attract are my polar opposite when it comes to social situations and general feelings on relationships. What I need is a girl as introverted and antisocial as I am! Someone who understands that just because I want things quiet doesn't mean I don't want her near me. Someone who can sit on the couch with me and read her own book for an hour or two, and not have to say anything. Someone who will call me out when I'm being ridiculous and laugh with me when I'm being silly. But also someone I can look at and say, "Hey, let's go out tonight," and who will indulge me. (I know. Since the end of the most significant relationship of my entire life, I've become a little demanding about what I want.) The difficult part about all this is that this girl exists. I know she does, because she's one of my closest friends. And while most days I wish she would just grow up and realize that there's nothing for her in Maine and MOVE (preferably closer to me), other days I wonder if my idea of what life might be like with her would overshadow reality, should it ever happen. Are my expectations too high? Somebody once told me (ages ago) that he always set his expectations low, because that way the disappointment he felt when things didn't go his way was easier to swallow. I've tried to look at things this way, but I'm a what if person. I always want to know what might have happened, or what could be. Conversely, this means that I anticipate all scenarios, good and bad, and usually plan for the worst, ultimately precipitating its occurrence. Self-fulfilling prophecies are my specialty. In the end, it's being alone that allows you to discover these things about yourself. Now, if I could only DEAL with them, I'd be all set.

Way to go, California!

I'm not the type of girl who cries easily. Not at commercials or sappy movies, the way some people do. No, usually somebody has to die for me to get all choked up. But yesterday, I felt myself get a little teary as I heard that the Supreme Court of California had "lifted the ban" on same-sex marriage. It wasn't so much the happening of the whole thing, but the wording of the opinion (which is 121 pages, but most definitely worth a read).

"First, the exclusion of same-sex couples from the designation

of marriage clearly is not necessary in order to afford full

protection to all of the rights and benefits that currently

are enjoyed by married opposite-sex couples...."

When I came upon this phrase, I felt as if my entire belief system had been validated. The very idea that defining a same-sex partnership as MARRIAGE does not threaten the "traditional" concept of marriage is something that many of us have been arguing for a long time. Additionally, the opinion goes on to say something to the effect that assigning a special designation to same-sex partnerships only reaffirms the common feeling that they are not the same, and are somehow different, or "less," than heterosexual couplings. The opinion goes beyond saying that it's wrong to call it something else when it's really the same thing; the judges pretty much state unequivocally that it IS the same thing, therefore it IS marriage - with all the rights and responsibilities - and trying to call it something else is just silly. And I get the impression that if they could have, they would have said, "The California constitution is pretty clear on this, and all you people that have a problem with that can just go pound sand."

I think what I like the most about this is how the whole thing happened. Thanks to one enterprising mayor, who got himself sued for it, dozens of couples were able to marry in San Francisco 2004. And I think the court made it very clear when they said, "Look, we understand that people have really strong opinions about this issue. But it is our job to determine if denying marriage to same-sex couples violates the state constitution." And the conclusion was that it did, so they said so. I really respect that.

However, I feel as if I must conclude with a warning. Conservatives have spent at least $10 million trying to get a definition of marriage act on the ballot for this November. We will find out next month whether they managed to gather enough legitimate signatures for this to happen. So, as great as this victory is, it might be short-lived. We can never give up on the fight, because around every corner lurks somebody else who doesn't want to recognize our relationships.

beginning...

So I'm not really sure how this blog thing works. What I do know is that I often find I have very interesting things to say, but nobody will listen to me. (Don't get me wrong - I have friends, I just think they get tired of my rambling introspection at times.) Hence my switch to an online forum. This way, I figure people who don't have much to do or are as curious about how other people think as I am can read what I think about things. And when I have something of worth to say, I will say it....be ready.