Pride

It's Gay Pride Month. Well, actually, it's the end of it, and I just now got around to realizing it. I was reading something the other day that said, "Gay pride month, formerly known as June..." and it got me thinking. To me, June is still JUNE. It probably always will be. And while my life is influenced by my sexuality, it is not my entire world, as it is for some people. It does not define who I am, nor does it dictate the who/what/when/where/how of my life. But that is not to say that I'm not prideful. I'm thankful for the strides that those who've come before me have made. I'm grateful that they shut down streets in order to have a pride parade, because at least that means we're out there in numbers that can't be ignored. We're here, we're queer, get used to it! (Cliche, I know, but still true.)

Seriously though, I think as more people have come out, and been encouraged to do so, it's become harder to turn a blind eye. Visibility matters. In fact, even Cox Communications now carries Logo. I discovered this the other night, and in a fit of joy parked myself in front of the television for hours, watching comedy and short film. And at my excitement at gay programming, a good friend of mine (who will willingly admit that she's a lesbian trapped in a straight girl's body) expressed her jealousy and asked why I needed Logo. (I'm already gay, which apparently means I don't need to watch gay-ness on television). So, as much as I love her, I feel like I need to make things clear: I need Logo. Every gay person in America needs it. Visibility MATTERS. The importance of gay programming on standard cable must be understood, especially by allies. Because if THEY don't get why we need it, all that progress has been for naught. And I really can't bear to see that happen; I can't imagine taking any more steps backward than our administration has already pushed us.

what ifs

I think it's funny how people decide to blog. I mean, what do we do, just sit at the computer and say, Gee, I think I'll share this. And how do we decide what it too personal to share? The internet has become a place of zero privacy, where some people decide to share EVERYTHING. At the same time, some say it has contributed to antisocial behavior in our society. It's amazing what you can do online. My friends are spread out up and down the east coast, and occasionally across the world - I probably talk to them more on Facebook than on the phone. But still, at least we manage to keep in touch, through shared pictures (and shared thoughts via BLOGS). Which brings me to my current situation. Shared feelings. I never know when to share and when to keep them to myself - online, on the phone, in an email, in person. And it usually happens that I choose the wrong option at the worst time, almost always in a romantic relationship-type situation. Such is the case, AGAIN. I'm in a constant struggle between the desire for a companion who actually "gets" me and the only child in me who needs to be ALONE. Occasionally, when I come home I think, I wish someone else could cook dinner for a change, I'm just too tired. Then suddenly, when somebody is interested in cooking me dinner, I flip and think, Why can't I just have some time to myself?! I think the problem is that the women I seem to attract are my polar opposite when it comes to social situations and general feelings on relationships. What I need is a girl as introverted and antisocial as I am! Someone who understands that just because I want things quiet doesn't mean I don't want her near me. Someone who can sit on the couch with me and read her own book for an hour or two, and not have to say anything. Someone who will call me out when I'm being ridiculous and laugh with me when I'm being silly. But also someone I can look at and say, "Hey, let's go out tonight," and who will indulge me. (I know. Since the end of the most significant relationship of my entire life, I've become a little demanding about what I want.) The difficult part about all this is that this girl exists. I know she does, because she's one of my closest friends. And while most days I wish she would just grow up and realize that there's nothing for her in Maine and MOVE (preferably closer to me), other days I wonder if my idea of what life might be like with her would overshadow reality, should it ever happen. Are my expectations too high? Somebody once told me (ages ago) that he always set his expectations low, because that way the disappointment he felt when things didn't go his way was easier to swallow. I've tried to look at things this way, but I'm a what if person. I always want to know what might have happened, or what could be. Conversely, this means that I anticipate all scenarios, good and bad, and usually plan for the worst, ultimately precipitating its occurrence. Self-fulfilling prophecies are my specialty. In the end, it's being alone that allows you to discover these things about yourself. Now, if I could only DEAL with them, I'd be all set.