Soul-crushing losses...soul-finding dog

Tonight, as Ariel and I were taking our nightly walk around the corner, it occurred to me that I have suffered some amazingly difficult, potentially paralyzing losses in the past year. First, my mom. While I am still not ready to publicly discuss how much her death has affected me, I am finally willing to admit that no matter how much I thought I was "ready" for it, on June 21, 2010, it hit me like a ton of bricks. Then, less than a week later, a move 1300 miles away from my job, partner, friends, and family, and a best friend's new baby (I jokingly call him my "god-nephew," because we are as good as sisters). And a few months ago, the loss of the most beloved cat on the planet, my baby boy Nelson. As I was taking my moment to wither and get lost in my own grief, Ariel turned around, mouth open, and looked at me with total dog happiness. That's when it hit me: yeah, I've had lots of reasons to grieve...but I've also had some great moments in the past year. I have met people that I know will be my friends for the rest of my life, no matter how far away we might be. I am about to finish my first year of veterinary school, which is something I've wanted to do since I was a kid. And then there's the dog, looking back at me in complete contentment. This crazy mutt that I was never "supposed" to have. People say that everything happens for a reason...and when you're grieving that sentiment seems like complete crap. When you're experiencing a moment of amazement, it makes perfect sense. Just when I was losing myself again, she found me. And through her eyes, I have re-discovered the beauty in the world. Playing is fun again. Naps are totally worth it. Grass in the wind, leaves floating by, birds in the air...well, they're amazing to just stand and watch. The other day Ariel put her entire muzzle into a flower. After chuckling at her, I sniffed it to see what all the fuss was about...heavenly. (Then, I sneezed, and she "laughed" at me!) The dog training books all talk about those moments where you effectively communicate with your dog, and how incredible they are. In the past 6 months, I have watched Ariel blossom from an untrusting, submissive young pup into a remarkably mature, social, friendly DOG. I have to admit that my pride swells when I pick her up at the clinic and the student that "played doctor" with her for the morning can't stop talking about what a sweetheart she is and how much "personality" she has. While I'm sure that much of this is simply due to time, I am well aware of how much of myself I put into her training and development. And I realized that we are now a unit. Temple Grandin talks about human/dog relationships being symbiotic in her book Animals Make Us Human, which I have been reading a lot lately. It occurred to me that while I have given Ariel food, a warm dry place to sleep, and lots of love and treats, she has given me LIFE. At least one that's worth living, anyway. I could be sinking deeper and deeper, but I am not. She is what gets me up in the morning (often, literally, as she has taken to standing on my sternum when she wants her breakfast). She is what gets me out for runs when it's the last thing I want to do. And SHE is what motivates me through vet school, as I quietly remind her that someday, I won't have to drop her off somewhere unfamiliar to get her vaccines.

I know that most people have incredibly close relationships with their animals. And I know that people say that dogs are "man's best friend." I am not in anyway ashamed to admit that Ariel is my best friend, and every single day I thank my lucky stars (and my friend Jenny!) that we were able to find each other in this huge world we live in. I am totally in love with my fabulous dog...and I'm pretty sure it's mutual ;)

Love your Mother

If you know me at all, you know that I am not "religious" in the technical, direct sense of the word. I had a boyfriend in high school who used to tell me all the time that I could be "spiritual" without taking part in an organized religion. I didn't understand what he meant until much later. These days, I am perfectly comfortable with my belief that there is something greater than me, but I am unwilling to name it. I feel that labeling something often takes away its value. To me, spirituality is still mystical, which is as it should be. I don't understand how the cosmos "banged" together and how life formed and how we evolved to get to this point. I mean, I understand the science (well, mostly), but I'm always left with the question: Yes, but how did it START? There is no right answer. I think the beauty of that is in the reality that we can never truly know. What I DO know is that as far as we are aware, we have only one Earth, only one planet which can sustain human life. And we are slowly killing her. I'm not even going to go into the politics of the situation (I'll save that for my partner, who does a great job of it here). But we are quickly approaching catastrophe, and nobody is doing anything about it on a large enough scale. Gas prices here in Mississippi are topping $3.60, and nobody is changing their habits. How high do they have to go before people realize there's a supply and demand problem (that is also politically fueled, but again, I'm saving that for others more knowledgeable)? Our resources are dwindling, but until it affects us directly, I'm sad to say that most Americans won't give a damn. But I give a damn, and I'm going to keep fighting.



As with most feelings I have, there's an Indigo Girls song that matches perfectly. Here's a video featuring that "perfect" song.

Happy Earth Day everyone. Try to take time out of every day to appreciate our planet and bask in the wonder.

My weather education

When I moved to the South, I knew I was in for a change. They speak a different language here, live a different pace, and have wildly different social and cultural beliefs. These are things I knew. What nobody told me about was the weather. OMG, the weather. The first time I heard a tornado siren go off, it woke me up out of a dead sleep the night before an exam. My roommates were not in town, and I was alone. I dragged 2 cats and a dog into the bathroom and sat there for at least an hour while straight-line winds and rain rattled the house. This past Friday, we were pulled OUT OF CLASS to evacuate to the basement. That was only the first of 4 tornado warnings that day. (P.S. A watch does not mean a warning - a watch means it might happen, but a warning means the sirens are going off and you better take cover.) And now today:

This is the shit that just passed us (and it's only the tiniest piece of what's been going on since 4am). It included ridiculous-sized hail, flash floods, and tornado warnings. Awesomeness. I really do hate this weather. What's amazing is that my dog really doesn't seem to mind the weather. We had a FLASH of lightning accompanied by some thunder that sounded like it was IN the bedroom, and she didn't even flinch. What she does mind is the tornado sirens. But at least she understands that she's supposed to seek shelter when they're blaring.

I have a feeling that she would cover her ears if she were able. Doesn't that look just say, "Make it stop!" If only, Ariel, if only. I'm getting tired of the whole business as well. We will be home in 2 weeks, just in time to catch the beginning of New England summer and hit the beach before the tourists get there. Perfect.

Just say no to Hershey Kisses...and wine with honey...and...

While I did not transition into veganism cold turkey (there was still some yogurt and coffee creamer left over in the fridge - and I am a poor vet student), I did make a decision to choose new items that were vegan. Which is why, at 8am today, I passed up three (count them THREE) Hershey kisses. Our epidemiology professor passed around a bag to demonstrate a point about sample size, and we each took one. And then came the second bag. And the third. By the end, I had three kisses sitting in front of me (one of them was even caramel!). But what are they made of? MILK chocolate. And I thought, "Crap." I know there is vegan chocolate, but Hershey's milk chocolate kisses (some of my faves!) are not in that group. So I took mine from the bag (I'd hate to screw up a good class example) and passed them down to a friend. And the more I thought about it, the better I felt, until I started thinking...

I wonder sometimes...how much impact does my decision not to eat or use any animal products actually have? I passed up 3 Hershey kisses in class this morning. But the bag was already bought, the cows already milked to make the chocolate, their manure already in the environment. The system had already been supported. I'm curious as to how other vegans deal with this reality. The world is not vegan. There will be people who continue to eat meat, regardless of the environmental and social impacts (whether or not they are aware) until it becomes unavailable, or extremely cost-prohibitive. Does my conscious decision even matter? If I really think about it, I KNOW it matters - at least to me. I feel so much better about my life, health, and spirit, knowing I did not contribute in any way to the suffering of any creature, no matter how many legs. But still...I can't help but wonder if my choices will change anything. I'm sure this is something many vegans feel in the early stages. In the end I can only hope that there are enough of us to make a difference. Mother Earth needs help, and we have the power to give it to her, if only we stop thinking of ourselves for just a moment...

Vegan dog treats? You betcha!

I know I mentioned transitioning from vegetarian to vegan in my last post. I've kicked this idea around several times in the past, but never really with much conviction. A while back I realized that all I would have to "give up" is eggs, cheese, and yogurt. The eggs and cheese are easy. But yogurt? I LOVE yogurt (especially Stonyfield Farms!), and every variety of soy yogurt I have tried in the past makes me want to gag. Recently a friend turned me on to Whole Soy yogurt, and it's not half as bad as the others. With that hurdle behind me, I began pitching the last bits of shredded cheddar and looking into common vegan substitutes (which can be hard to come by in Starkville, Mississippi, let me tell you).

Another part about my lifestyle that doesn't sit well is what I feed my pets. If the reason I'm not eating meat is that I can't support "factory farming" on a social and environmental level (let alone animal welfare), why am I feeding meat (and byproducts and other nasties) to my animals? My dog Ariel, a terrier mix I adopted six months ago, LOVES store-bought organic vegan treats. Her favorite are these pumpkin blueberry crunchers . I like them because she has to actually CHEW instead of simply inhaling the way she does anything else edible (and sometimes inedible, but that's for another time). She also loves fresh blueberries and gets them often. So...I started to do some research. I learned that there's a lot of fluff out there. For instance, I discounted certain websites that told me cats can subsist on a purely vegetarian diet. I am in vet school, after all, and they do teach us that cats are obligate CARNIVORES. This bothers me, as I still have to feed my cat meat, but it is nature. But I digress. After realizing that it was going to take me lots of research and a seriously long time to transition Ariel to a vegetarian diet (p.s. dogs are omnivores like us), I decided to start small and make my own treats. I found this recipe for blueberry banana oat treats. I substituted whole wheat flour for the rye flour because I couldn't find any, and almond milk for the cow milk. Not only were these super ridiculously easy to make (with the aid of a trusty hand blender - lifesaver! - and a cookie dropper), but they are almost the perfect consistency for dog treats. I waited until they cooled off a bit and tried a bite myself - not bad! When I called Ariel into the kitchen and offered her a bite, she sniffed, then gulped. More, please! What a hit. She followed me around the house for a full 5 minutes afterwards! When I realize how little the ingredients cost and how much this one batch made, I think I will definitely try this one again. And maybe some others!

The first step is admitting you have a problem

Hi. My name is Caitlin...and I'm...a procrastinator. It's such a dirty word, and we hate to admit that we fall into the group of individuals who puts off projects until "tomorrow" (and isn't there always a tomorrow?). I, however, fall into the worst category of procrastinators: I get super-excited about a project, start it with more gusto than anyone thinks is possible, and then let it fizzle into nothingness. And the most difficult part is that afterwords (sometimes days, sometimes weeks) I feel guilty. Then I spend inordinate amounts of time thinking, "You should really pick that back up again," instead of actually DOING the thing I'm putting off. The sad part is that I do this with just about everything - from academic work to personal projects. Recently, I learned HOW to knit, and then actually KNIT a baby blanket for the son of a dear friend of mine, and I am more proud of the fact that I finished it than of how gorgeous it is. And let me tell you, it is perfect. Have I finished a project since? Resounding NO. Have I stocked up on more yarn than I could possibly use in the next 3 years while I'm in vet school? Of course! The current situation: in the next 2 weeks (the LAST 2 weeks of my first year of vet school!), I have 6 exams. Am I studying? Not exactly (but I am absolutely feeling guilty that I'm not studying). Instead, I am trying to transition from vegetarian to VEGAN, train for a 5k (in 75 degree weather that I'm not used to), form an alternative veterinary medicine club at Mississippi State CVM, and not worry about moving into a new place (that I can't even move into until after my exams are finished).

All of this brings me to the reason for the current post: I did not let the blog fizzle because I am uninterested. It simply fell into the category of "forgotten." But it is not gone, and I am not gone. I am never at a loss for things to talk about, and strange things spark my crazy train of thought and interest daily. I'm going to start writing them down, and sharing. Seriously, this time.