Tonight, as Ariel and I were taking our nightly walk around the corner, it occurred to me that I have suffered some amazingly difficult, potentially paralyzing losses in the past year. First, my mom. While I am still not ready to publicly discuss how much her death has affected me, I am finally willing to admit that no matter how much I thought I was "ready" for it, on June 21, 2010, it hit me like a ton of bricks. Then, less than a week later, a move 1300 miles away from my job, partner, friends, and family, and a best friend's new baby (I jokingly call him my "god-nephew," because we are as good as sisters). And a few months ago, the loss of the most beloved cat on the planet, my baby boy Nelson. As I was taking my moment to wither and get lost in my own grief, Ariel turned around, mouth open, and looked at me with total dog happiness. That's when it hit me: yeah, I've had lots of reasons to grieve...but I've also had some great moments in the past year. I have met people that I know will be my friends for the rest of my life, no matter how far away we might be. I am about to finish my first year of veterinary school, which is something I've wanted to do since I was a kid. And then there's the dog, looking back at me in complete contentment. This crazy mutt that I was never "supposed" to have. People say that everything happens for a reason...and when you're grieving that sentiment seems like complete crap. When you're experiencing a moment of amazement, it makes perfect sense. Just when I was losing myself again, she found me. And through her eyes, I have re-discovered the beauty in the world. Playing is fun again. Naps are totally worth it. Grass in the wind, leaves floating by, birds in the air...well, they're amazing to just stand and watch. The other day Ariel put her entire muzzle into a flower. After chuckling at her, I sniffed it to see what all the fuss was about...heavenly. (Then, I sneezed, and she "laughed" at me!) The dog training books all talk about those moments where you effectively communicate with your dog, and how incredible they are. In the past 6 months, I have watched Ariel blossom from an untrusting, submissive young pup into a remarkably mature, social, friendly DOG. I have to admit that my pride swells when I pick her up at the clinic and the student that "played doctor" with her for the morning can't stop talking about what a sweetheart she is and how much "personality" she has. While I'm sure that much of this is simply due to time, I am well aware of how much of myself I put into her training and development. And I realized that we are now a unit. Temple Grandin talks about human/dog relationships being symbiotic in her book Animals Make Us Human, which I have been reading a lot lately. It occurred to me that while I have given Ariel food, a warm dry place to sleep, and lots of love and treats, she has given me LIFE. At least one that's worth living, anyway. I could be sinking deeper and deeper, but I am not. She is what gets me up in the morning (often, literally, as she has taken to standing on my sternum when she wants her breakfast). She is what gets me out for runs when it's the last thing I want to do. And SHE is what motivates me through vet school, as I quietly remind her that someday, I won't have to drop her off somewhere unfamiliar to get her vaccines.
I know that most people have incredibly close relationships with their animals. And I know that people say that dogs are "man's best friend." I am not in anyway ashamed to admit that Ariel is my best friend, and every single day I thank my lucky stars (and my friend Jenny!) that we were able to find each other in this huge world we live in. I am totally in love with my fabulous dog...and I'm pretty sure it's mutual ;)
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